


In his dreams (and beyond)

by lamoamadeen



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band), NewS (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-23
Updated: 2011-02-23
Packaged: 2017-11-20 09:32:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/583871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lamoamadeen/pseuds/lamoamadeen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jin dreams. And figures things out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In his dreams (and beyond)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for ryogrande@lj.

During the day, Akanishi Jin is a star. His sultry looks make schoolgirls shriek and office ladies swoon; his face is splattered all over magazines, CD covers and giant billboards; and nowadays, his voice can be heard blaring to life on dance floors across the world. He knows himself, knows his own strengths, his weaknesses, who to lean on, who to support, and who to feel grateful to. He is right where he wants to be. 

Life is good for Akanishi Jin. 

\---

At night, Jin dreams he is a girl. He dreams of silky hair and smooth, long legs; of curvy hips and breasts that sway softly when he walks. 

Tonight he dreams of walking down the riverside, skirt swirling with every giddy step, laughter bubbling up as he watches a flock of seagulls fight over the pieces of bread thrown high above the water by an old man. The water glitters in the sunlight, and the hand holding his is warm and confident. He tugs on it, quickening the pace of their lazy stroll because he wants to see the greed in the eyes of the gulls and the wrinkles that will tell him if the old man has spent his life frowning or smiling. 

Eyes set on the spectacle before him, he misses a step, losing his balance on the heels of his sandals, and his breath catches in his throat. But before he can fall over into an embarrassing tumble of ripped stockings, dangling necklaces and disheveled hair, the fingers wrapped around his hand tighten their grip, and an arm snaps around his waist to pull him against a masculine chest. 

"Careful", his lover says, amused. "Don't go too fast, or I won't be able to catch you." 

Trying to slow down his breathing, Jin rests his forehead against the other's shoulder. "I nearly fell." 

"But I caught you," the man says, and lowers his head so that his breath is hot against Jin's ear. He rubs his cheek against Jin's briefly, a hint of stubble rasping over delicate skin. "You know I'll never let you fall. You're safe with me." 

A voice that resembles Jin's mother speaks up in his mind, telling him sternly that a woman is strong enough to face life on her own, that no woman needs a man to hold her up, but despite her nagging, Jin feels a warm happiness spread through his body, and he can't help the smile that curls his lips. He knows he is strong, but it's nice to feel cherished and protected, cared for, once in a while. Burrowing closer, he silences the voice and brings his hands up to rest against soft cotton and a calm heartbeat. 

"I know I'm safe with you", he says. Strong arms slip around his back, enveloping his smaller frame easily, and the heart below his palm beats faster. Because they would both be falling if it wasn't for each other's presence. 

The gulls are shrieking. Water rushes against concrete as a ship draws past, intensifying the vague scent of the sea that never leaves this part of Tokyo, and voices ebb and flow as people walk past. It's a warm spring afternoon, just another normal day, and Jin feels loved. He raises his head, meeting warm, dark eyes. There's a question in them. 

Jin smiles, tilting his chin in invitation. "What are you waiting for?" he asks, because they have never cared about showing their affection in public. 

A hand comes up to frame his face, fingers caressing the shell of his ear, and as Jin's eyelids begin to flutter close, the man murmurs, "Say my name." 

Jin is confused, because this is new, unlike the spring day, the seagulls and the arms wrapped around him; but he knows the hand cupping his face like his own, and without contemplating, a name spills over his lips before they are claimed in a lazy, familiar kiss. 

\---

Jin jerks awake, breath ragged and eyes wide open. Already, the dream is floating away, blurring like it always does. He has never managed to remember the face of the man, or the timbre of his voice; only the screeching of the gulls, the way his slender body fit against a broad chest, and feeling happy and loved, safe in a man's embrace. 

He has had the dream ever since setting foot on American soil back in May, and at first he didn't think much of it, blinded by the spotlights and the clubs and the shouts of his name, over and over again. But the dream never stopped haunting his nights, girly laughter ringing in his ears when he woke up dizzy, yearning and alone. 

And feeling like a freak, because he knows Akanishi Jin, who is a star and knows what he wants, and Akanishi Jin certainly does not want to be a fragile girl who sinks into arms that feel like they were made for him. Her. Whatever. 

The one time he told someone else of the dream, he was drunk, and it was probably the most pitiful long-distance call he has ever made. Maybe that's why his best friend sounded strange from the other side of the world, no advice given but, "Jin, maybe it's time you opened your eyes. Some things you just have to figure out on your own." Jin remembers staring at his phone, unbelieving, after the line was cut. 

Now he sits in his bed, back in Japan for the first night in half a year, and the dream has cut through all his assumptions that he knew his life, knew himself. Because there's a name now, and the yearning in his chest is so strong it's hard to breathe. 

Jin feels like the world's most oblivious idiot. 

\---

Yamapi hasn't slept. There's no way he can, not with Jin back in the apartment for the first time in too long, and that one phone call in the back of his mind. He thought he'd been so good at forgetting the way Jin's voice had trembled while speaking of those arms, that chest, and that kiss, but one look at Jin's hesitant smile in the doorway, at the slight sway of his hips under baggy clothes, and Yamapi's hope returned with a force he hadn't experienced since the day Jin had asked him if he'd like to move into Jin's oversized apartment. 

Thoughts spinning loudly in his head, Yamapi doesn't realize someone has entered his room until the mattress dips beside him. For a second, Jin seems to hesitate, but then Yamapi feels the familiar tug of his blanket as Jin slips beneath it. It's nothing out of the ordinary, but his heart seems to think otherwise, beating faster in stupid anticipation. 

"Jet lag?" Yamapi asks, trying to keep his voice neutral. Like a cool guy who isn't bothered by sharing a bed. Who hasn't lain wide awake and hopelessly excited while his heterosexual best friend was sleeping next him. Like he doesn't love this man so much it might tear him apart one day. 

Jin doesn't answer. Sighing, Yamapi rolls onto his side, fully expectant to be confronted with another one of Jin's nocturnal epiphanies. He has talked his way through a lot of these, and knows it might be anything from Jin doubting his ability to pronounce an 'r', over the idea to open a nightclub in Roppongi, to visions of giving solo concerts in the US. Last time he checked, Kamenashi was still mad that Yamapi hadn't talked Jin out of that one. 

But tonight is different, Yamapi realizes after his eyes have adjusted to the dark. Jin doesn't look like he's about to launch into his latest obsession. Instead, he lies there unmoving, his hands clutching the blanket, staring at Yamapi like he is seeing him for the first time. It's only the flare of his nostrils that tells Yamapi he is still breathing. Caught by those searching eyes, Yamapi remains perfectly still. He is aware of every second ticking by as Jin's gaze sweeps over his face, rests on his mouth for a dizzying moment, then moves into the vague direction of Yamapi's chest, then back up over the slope of his shoulder, and down again, until it finally stills over the point where Yamapi's arm rests above the blanket. 

Yamapi's heart is racing. His mind has gone into overdrive, screaming at him that this could be it, no, has to be it, but the part of his conscious that has kept him sane through all these years urges him to stay calm, to wait. If he acts rashly, he can only lose. And there's too much at stake. 

He watches Jin's fingers clench around the blanket, watches Jin's face set into the tight expression that means he is determined to say something but still lacking the proper words. When Jin exhales audibly and finally looks up, Yamapi braces himself. For what, he isn't really sure. 

"I figured it out," Jin says, then falls silent, obviously unwilling to continue without Yamapi's cooperation. 

Yamapi swallows. His heart is beating so hard he thinks it must be audible over the quiet of the room."What did you figure out?" he asks, slowly. 

"The dream", Jin says. His eyes flicker to Yamapi's arm, and back up to his face. He licks his lips, hesitates, then: "You." 

A heartbeat, and the world tilts before Yamapi's eyes only to slam back into focus moments later, zooming in on Jin's form stretched out next to him. There's a glint of something new in Jin's eyes, and for a moment, Yamapi can see his jaw tensing like it always does when Jin's gathering up courage. 

Then Jin smiles, tilting his chin in invitation. "What are you waiting for?" 

_For you, dumbass_ , Yamapi thinks, but there's no time to be bitter over years and years of waiting when he surges forward, wraps his arms around Jin and pulls him against his chest in a crushing embrace. He buries his face in Jin's shoulder, breathing hard against the feelings that threaten to overcome all coherent thought. It's hard; and when Jin moves a bit in his arms, he can't help but twist his leg around Jins' in a frantic attempt to keep him close. Jin huffs, obviously having no intention of moving away. He shifts just enough to lift his head from where it has rested against Yamapi's shoulder. 

"I knew you'd catch me", he whispers, pressing his body into Yamapi's. It's a perfect fit, like they were born to hold each other. 

Yamapi stares down at the beautiful face that has made his heart beat faster so many times, at the man he has loved for so many years. It feels like a dream come true. He raises his hand to frame Jin's face, feeling the stubble scrape against his palm, and as he watches in wonder how Jin's eyes slowly flutter shut, he murmurs, "Say my name." 

Jin laughs, a sweet, delighted laugh, and when his lips form the syllables of Yamapi's name, he claims them in a deep, heated kiss. 

\---

During the day, Akanishi Jin is a star. He knows himself, knows his own strengths, his weaknesses, and if things get too much, if the school girls shriek too loudly and the office ladies try to grope him, if his face looks back at him from too many places, if he sometimes can't stand the sound of his own music anymore, he knows who will keep him from falling. 

At night, he is Jin, and he feels happy and loved, safe in strong arms he has known for half his life. He is right where he wants to be. 

Life is good for Akanishi Jin. 


End file.
